Values and Goal Setting: Bridging the Gap
The cycle is all too familiar. We enthusiastically set our New Year's intentions, envisioning our shiny, new selves doing All the Best Things with a joyous attitude and a gratitude for a new start. We ride the initial wave of motivation through January, and then, by February, our momentum has fizzled out and replaced with resignation and regret. Perhaps we procrastinate, promising ourselves, "next week, or tomorrow, or when I finish this last bottle of wine..." or just decide we were silly to even think we could change a behavior, learn something new, or build a new habit. In the end, we are left feeling defeated and a bit confused as to how all that motivation and excitement drained away like water down the drain.
Why is it that the prospect of change is so exhilarating in thought but often challenging or even boring in action, even when the change we want is absolutely doable? The reasons may surprise you.
Beyond being “SMART” – the importance of Valued Actions
Two primary reasons hinder our ability to act on our resolutions and they have to do with our values and our fears.
You may have heard of the importance of making “SMART” goals (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Time-bound)– and making sure goals fit into this model is useful, but mises a vital step. First, we have to make sure the goals are actually VALUED. If you aren’t clear about your values, why and how these goals are truly important, it is also impossible to motivate yourself to follow through once the going gets a bit tough, or there is a distraction. WE have busy, complex lives and change isn’t easy. A new goal, habit, or even a hobby has to have value to merit a change in our routines. How many times have we all made a resolution in December that felt incredibly important, imagined in intricate detail how great we would feel once accomplished, and then forgot about it until the following December?
The key is to get CLARITY about the meaning and value of the goal.
Clarity and values
Consider the aspiration to learn the cello. The instrument is intriguing, its sound resonates beautifully, and perhaps there's a specific piece you've longed to play, envisioning yourself in a sharp outfit captivating an audience. Every year, you put “Learn the cello” on your New Year’s Resolution list. You think about the details, practicing, maybe even making some videos of your journey to post on social media or inspiration. You know you will have to practice daily and imagine time away from your responsibilities a few times a week, just playing and getting better and better. Then comes January. Your daily schedule is crammed: mornings are occupied by meetings, a few precious workout sessions are wedged into the week, and evenings are dedicated to parenting. By the end of the night, you feel exhausted and don’t “feel” like you can give anything else.
You prioritize your physical well-being and your role as a parent over delving into the intricacies of learning the cello. And that's perfectly okay—unless it isn't.
If the cello represents a lifelong dream, perennially listed in your resolutions but consistently deferred, the issue isn't the value itself. It's the failure to acknowledge the value sufficiently to take meaningful action. You know it is important, you feel terrible that you don’t follow through, it hurts that you haven’t. If it wasn’t so important, you wouldn’t think about it every year with longing. The goal is valued, but it is so easy to forget that, especially when starting something new is genuinely hard. Our brains like routine and change takes energy.
Keeping focused on the value takes work and can be accomplished, but first we need to conquer the second hurdle: Fear.
Beyond motivation: Overcoming fear
Enter the second obstacle: fear. A spectrum of apprehensions holds us back—fear of judgment from others, fear of failure, fear of expending extra energy on hard work, or even the fear of realizing we don't truly desire the goal and feeling embarrassed about wasting time and money. The barriers to action are numerous and often exaggerated.
Once we gain clarity on what we fear about the steps to get to our goals: it will be hard to save money for lessons, we will have to make dreaded phone calls to rent a cello, we need to ask our family to give us time a few times a week to practice, we will need to set boundaries, we will have to record our practice to listen to on the way home from work, we will have to face getting feedback, we will have to deal with being tired or bored or annoyed with ourselves, others, or the cello itself, we may fail.
You can see once you get clear on these fears and can tackle them, the steps to action become pretty clear. The value has to be high to do this work. Then, the path to achieving the goal is clearer and fairly simple: ACT.
Transformation in every step
Each step towards the final outcome is a goal in itself, and can be incredibly satisfying. Regardless of the outcome, taking action is transformative. You gain insights, feel pride in accomplishing something, and learn valuable lessons. The specific achievement becomes secondary; the act of trying and making progress usually brings a sense of fulfillment.
Confronting Your Unmet Goals
What goal consistently finds its place on your annual intention list, only to be left dormant until the next year? Reflect on its value to you. If the answer feels elusive or hollow, consider grabbing my free Value Card Sort. This tool can help clarify your values, offering a deeper understanding of what actions might bring you joy and satisfaction.
