The trap of the rhetorical question: Why do we really ask “Why?”

In moments of crisis, we've all found ourselves engulfed by the relentless rhythm of "why" questions. Why is this happening to me? Why should I bother moving forward? What is the point of it all? Despite all these excellent, albeit existential questions, we rarely sit down to answer them. In fact, despite clearly having question marks at the end of the sentence, we don’t consciously treat them like questions at all.

 The Crafty Bully: Dissecting "Why" Questions

These “rhetorical” questions wear a variety of masks:

Why did this happen to me?

Why can’t I leave this relationship?

Why do I keep engaging in the same patterns?

 Why did I do that?

While framed as a question, such rhetorical questions are not questions at all: they are usually thinly veiled criticisms disguised as meaningful questions.

“Why does this keep happening?” is disguising “I'm doomed.” “

Why can’t I ever get things done” is disguising: “I'm just too lazy, or stupid, or ineffective to get it done.”

“Why do I keep engaging in this pattern?” is disguising “I'm an idiot for continuing to do the same thing.”

Our unconscious is a crafty bully.

 We don’t reserve these “questions” just for ourselves.  These questions also disguise narratives laid down by others as explanations for their negative behaviors.

Why does my mother keep saying terrible things to me?

Why do people always disrespect me?

Why does no one love me?

 If we listen more closely, what we really hear our inner critic saying is:

“Mom keeps doing that because I’m awful.”

“People keep disrespecting me because I don't deserve respect.”

“No one loves me because I can’t be loved.”

We then believe the bully’s critical disguise.  We assume what we see is truth, instead of viewing these stories as exactly what they are, old, worn-out fairy tales someone read to us to make their own lives easier or we came up with when we didn’t have the skills (or capacity) to see the deeper truths of people’s behavior towards us and how to counter-act those behaviors.

Catching the Bully and Stopping the Fight

Many therapies talk about how to counter such thoughts, but first we need to catch them. Once we notice what these questions are really asking, we need to work with these thoughts.   Unfortunately, many people were taught they should fight these bullies with all their energy.  Arguing with the bully though is, ultimately, arguing with oneself.  This common tactic in CBT-type therapies doesn’t work for a lot of people, especially if you are highly intelligent and have long-standing self-criticisms. Your inner bully has a lot more practice at arguing than you do, and often plays dirty.   How do we deal with the bully if we can’t fight it directly?

 ACT: A Different Route to Self-Understanding

ACT teaches a different route which I have found works much better for most clients with a little practice. Don’t argue. Start with accepting the thoughts are there and then employ this one, very simple trick: Answer the question.

 Instead of letting the question linger in its disguise, unmask it, speak it as a question and really answer it. This (for my ACT nerds out there) is a defusion technique.

 "Why can’t I get anything done?" – Acknowledge the question and answer with specifics, recognizing accomplishments despite challenges.

 "Why does my mom treat me like this?" – Confront the painful question with an honest answer derived from therapy, understanding the root causes of her behavior.

 "Why do people keep disrespecting me?" – Explore this question objectively, considering whether personal boundaries are being communicated effectively.

 Notice we aren’t trying to sugar-coat anything here and we aren’t arguing. We are looking for actual answers and explanations. If we don’t have ready explanations, exploration in the therapy context can help not only find answers and defuse the automatic critic but can lead to areas where we need to build skills.

The conversation might go like this:

“Why do I keep engaging in this pattern?”

“Because I learned bad habits from my parents, and I didn't learn anything to replace them. What skills do I have now that I can access?  How can I improve these skills and change my patterns?”

Now we have actionable questions for therapy or self-exploration that aren’t mired in old, unhelpful stories.  Instead of hearing “You keep engaging because you’re an idiot!” you have another answer to engage with about how you learned these patterns and how you might change them.

 Unmasking the Inner Critic

The trap of the rhetorical question becomes less sinister when we unmask its true intentions. Through ACT's defusion technique, we shift from battling the inner critic to engaging with it differently. As genuine answers become habitual responses, the fight transforms to gentle communication with our younger ways of reacting. The grim fairy tales of self-criticism may continue to be told but now, we have our own stories to counter them—an alternate explanation that invites growth, understanding, and self-compassion.

It is true that no matter how much we do this work, the inner critic won’t easily give up (it is a habit of the mind).  You will still hear its commentary for a long time, but the intensity and unexpected nature of it will be defused over time as the actual answers begin to become more of a habitual response. Again, we don’t need to argue with the inner critic, just let it know there is an alternate explanation to chew on.