The Trauma and Anxiety Lens: The Power of Setting Healthy Boundaries

In the world of therapy, the topic of maintaining clear boundaries is a common and crucial one. Establishing healthy boundaries around what we agree to, what we say "no" to, and what we allow from others is essential for everyone. While we may not control how people approach us, speak to us, or feel about us, we can certainly take responsibility for communicating how we want to be treated, what we will tolerate, and only engaging in activities or commitments that truly align with our values and desires. Sometimes, this means expressing our truth, and at other times, it means making the challenging decision to walk away from certain situations or relationships – perhaps even both. This journey is easier said than done, but it is a valuable pursuit if we aim to lead fulfilling lives free from the constant companionship of anxiety, anger, and resentment.  For those who are highly intelligent and have trauma, those who are Smart and Struggling, this process is vital.

Healthy Boundaries

Boundaries serve as the lines that separate one aspect of our lives from another. In an interpersonal context, boundaries are the limits we establish to delineate what we are comfortable with and what lines we do not want others to cross. Some boundaries are unwavering and consistent; for instance, no one should poke your eye (even your eye doctor is likely to only touch your eye when necessary and with your permission).  Other boundaries may vary depending on the nature of the relationship; for example, you might be pleased with your partner casually touching your arm while talking but uncomfortable if a stranger were to do the same. Additionally, certain boundaries may evolve with age, as what was enjoyable as a child, such as being tickled by a sibling until you could barely breathe, may no longer be appealing in adulthood.

Boundaries can be explicitly expressed or implicitly assumed. Some boundaries need to be explicitly communicated, such as telling someone at a holiday event, "Please stop putting more food on my plate; I'm already full." In contrast, implicit boundaries do not require vocalization, as they are understood and usually respected, like not using someone else's toothbrush.

However, even seemingly implicit, universally accepted boundaries may need to be explicitly established in specific situations, such as when dealing with individuals of varying ages, different understandings of social cues, mental health conditions, or intellectual capacities. Additionally, we must consider the differences in cultural norms that may lead to distinct explicit and implicit boundaries. Personal space is a common example.  What are commonly accepted personal space rules in one area of the world may be very different in others.

Types of Boundaries

Boundaries further come in various types, including:

1. Physical: Pertaining to personal physical space and the level of physical touch we are comfortable with.

2. Time: Our feelings regarding punctuality and how willing we are to dedicate time to others in various situations.

3. Energy: The amount of emotional or physical energy we are willing to invest in people, events, or circumstances.

4. Knowledge: Whether we are open to sharing our knowledge or prefer to keep it to ourselves.

5. Personal Details: The extent to which we allow someone into our thoughts, emotions, or personal history.

6. Intimacy: How close we permit someone to get emotionally and physically in our lives.

Navigating these various aspects of boundaries can be quite complex, and the seemingly straightforward advice, "You just need better boundaries," can be far more intricate in practice.

If you have never had to explicitly set boundaries with others, you might find it jarring when someone crosses one of your implicit boundaries, even if the breach seems minor. Moreover, it can be challenging to establish or communicate a boundary once someone has already crossed it. Fears may arise, such as concerns about hurting or insulting the other person or appearing weak for having a particular boundary. In some cases, the person who crossed your boundary might attempt to inflict further harm. These fears are entirely normal, and sometimes protective, but it is essential to recognize that if we allow others, even those with good intentions, to consistently disregard our boundaries, we will continue to feel hurt. Relationships in which respect for personal limits is lacking often turn toxic over time.

So, how can we set boundaries, maintain them, and confront the guilt, anxiety, or shame associated with expressing our limits – especially when these steps are more challenging than they may seem? The first step is to be honest with ourselves and, at times, seek assistance in developing a plan to address these issues effectively.